Kyuuketsuki Shoujo
by CODEGEASSCODEGEASS
Summary: Edward's vampirism is misdiagnosed and he's sent away to Yamaku High School.


Three days I've been here. It's tedious, but if I want to continue living under the guise of an average teenage human, it's a necessity.

Where is here? Yamaku high school. The doctors said it would be good for my "condition", a rare form of necrosis is what they're calling it. If only they knew what I really was.

So I sit through class contemplating the smells and sounds of my new atmosphere as Motou drones on. I'll get the work done later, after you've lived a century algebra becomes a breeze.

"Ed-chan!~ Are you planning on getting your assignment done? Wahahaha~"

I don't even need to turn around to know who that is, three days in and that voice has already been burned into my memory for all eternity. Whose words are behind the voice, however, is a different story.

While the thought of feigning a hearing issue passes through my mind, in the end I decide to avert my gaze from the window and find myself looking at a very stern-faced Shizune. Figures she would be the one complaining about my work habits.

"Actually, no. I don't have much to do during the evenings so I prefer to save my work until then."

An indecipherable flurry of gestures bounces between the two. Shizune's glare towards me is unwavering.

"Suit yourself, Ed-chan~ So, are you going to join the Student Council? Wahaha~"

That didn't take long. My mind races as I try to dodge the question, when I'm suddenly saved by the lunch bell. "Uh, sorry you two, I have to run. I have arrangements." I dash out before they can object. Of course, I have nowhere to be, but anywhere is better than there.

I make my way to the cafeteria. There's obviously no reason for me to get food, but I don't want the nurses getting suspicious of anything. I grab a few burritos and finish my lunch at an empty table near the corner.

Making my way back to class, my highly developed ears pick up some methodical noise in the distance.

"klack, klack, klack..." It starts off as a whisper, but becomes increasingly louder... Like it's coming straight towards me.

I turn around to be hit full force by a short girl who was dashing down the hall.

"I'm sorry! Are you okay?"

I pick myself up off the ground, "Yeah, I'm f-" Suddenly, a deep pain somewhere in my body. I clutch my chest and double over.

Wait, I don't have a heart condition.

The pain is lower in my body. My memories flash back to something Dr. Cullen once said about vampires. Something about hyper-advanced digestive enzymes.

A storm is brewing.

I get up without a word and dash down the hallway, desperately looking for a place to relieve myself. With no restroom in sight, I duck into one of the empty rooms.

I've been here before. "E-e-edward?" I hear a timid voice call out.

Hanako is sitting in a corner, reading.

"I don't have time to talk, Hanako. Where is the nearest restr- Wait, why are you in a maid outfit?" My bowel movements must be interfering with my observations, as I didn't notice this until now.

"That's classified information." She stands up and walks towards me. As she approaches me a ray of light shines down on us through the window, illuminating my skin.

"I know what you are, Edward."

"Say it." I involuntarily whisper in her ear.

"You have a rare case of Eczema." My intestines gurgle in increasing discomfort.

I make a break for the door, but Hanako is quicker. She slams it shut, trapping me inside.

"Edward. Gimme the chocolate."

My bowels rumble louder, like a dragon soon to break out from its cage and wreak havoc upon the world. I've seen this scenario before. This is my destiny.

With a dexterity that Apollo would have been jealous of, I remove my clothes in the blink of an eye. Hanako is now lying down on the table. The room echoes with the thunder of an elephant stampede.

I feel it coming. An surge of power incomparable to any force in existence is flowing through me, ready to let loose at any moment. Using the gifts granted to me by the burrito goddess, I levitate myself above Hanako.

It starts out slow. Air escapes my vampire anus, filling the room with an odor that could gag the gods. The low notes drag on, interrupted only by high-pitched squeals as small bits of hyper-digested burrito rain down on Hanako.

"Oh Edward." She moans, smearing my fecal filth all over her body.

As my cacophonous orchestra of volatile shits start to storm down upon Hanako, the heavy instruments begin to play. The melody of trumpets played by my asshole is quickly masked by the deep boom of a baritone, the slight dripping of fecal matter turns into a projectile faucet of beans and flour. Every inch of Hanako is covered in the gooey paste erupting from me, but I have no intention of stopping.

I continue on with my raucous symphony, spewing my anal gunk into every one of Hanako's facial orifices. Utilizing my sphincter to its fullest, I ease and contract it, splattering Hanako's burn scars with wave after wave of vampire waste while simultaneously composing a Serenade of Sewage in g-minor.

However, I feel my powers wavering. I decide to finish my Requiem of Refuse with a bang. My stream of steamy discharge now rivals Niagara falls in its rate of flow, yet I push harder and harder. Hanako can no longer be seen under the ocean of murky brown slime I have created. As the last of the energy escapes my body, I push with all my might, causing an explosion of such magnitude that it ruptures my sphincter and covers every inch of the room in my beany feculence.

Still levitating using the leftover power of the burrito goddess, I look down to examine the aftermath of my Minuet of Excrement. A sea of sludge is all that can be seen, with Hanako submerged somewhere under it.

My destiny has been fulfilled.


End file.
